A New York sportswriter’s guide to swaying Lebron

Chicago Bulls forward and former Floria Gator/national champion Joakim Noah has been on quite a tirade against Cleveland lately.

“Cleveland sucks,” he said two nights ago. Following tonight’s buttkicking at the hands of Lebron, Cleveland reporters approached Noah for more soundbytes, which the pony-tailed light skin brotha was quick to oblige.

“What, you think Cleveland’s cool?” the dude asked. “I ain’t ever hear no one go vacation there.”

As someone who has no ties to Cleveland or New York City, I’ve, inexplicably been wanting Lebron to jump ship in 2010 as far back as 2005, just so I can see the city of Cleveland crumple. I dunno why, but I think it’d be pretty fun to witness, no?

As mentioned on this blog plenty, the NY media has been pulling every move to convince Lebron that NYC is the place for him. Never mind that Lebron’s Nike contract  supposedly has a secret clause that pays him an extra 50 mil if he jumps to a major city, or the fact that Jay Z is probably telling Bron on a daily basis he needs to come to NYC. The NY media thinks that they hold the power. They will do all they can with these pieces (gambling on the fact that Lebron actually reads). They treat him like a king when he’s there; they write pieces telling him how awesome the nightlife is and how grand the stage is. Like a slutty homewrecking luring a married man, the NY media tempts Lebron by implying, over and over, that Cleveland is boring and NYC has oh so much more, to offer.

You know what NY media should do? They should compile a list of pop culture references that either shits on Cleveland, glamorizes NYC, or better yet–do both.

I’ll jump start the list for you NYC journos pounding away while sipping your 6.99 cup of coffee.

1: Duplicity

In Duplicity, Julia Roberts and Clive Owen–playing con men–both come up with ideas to scam millions from corporations. These plans are elaborate and will require the two to go the full nine yards–they’ll have to move to the city, assume fake personas and work their way into the proper position to pull off the scam. Clive Owen pitches his idea first, about scamming a canned good company in Cleveland.

Julia Roberts’s character tells Clive Owen’s character that she has a better plan. Without going into much detail, she mentions something about the company being based in NYC. At that point, Clive Owen has a “well you win, guess we’re going with your plan” look on his face. The next scene shows both living in NYC preparing for their scam.

2: 30 Rock
(this one is courtesy of my friend Marvin “REAL LAKER FAN” Lee)

In 30 Rock, Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), a New York-based TV writer, goes to Cleveland and, immediately, becomes the prettiest girl by default. Because you know, Cleveland girls are ugly.

That’s two. There will be more coming. I’m sure there’s a Sex and the City episode where one of the older ones (meaning not Charlotte) goes to Cleveland and moans an entire episode about how there’s no parties, because you know, that’s what women pushing 40 are supposed to be doing… right.  I’ll add to the list.

I suggest you New York sports writer copy and paste this list and present it to Lebron in article form some time around June 30th. Speaking from personal experience, nothing sways my decision making more than what fictional characters do.  When I visited New York a few years ago and a friend suggested we go to Central Park, I didn’t want to go because of the history. I wanted to go because I wanted to check out the place that John McClane and Sam Jackson drove their cab through.

As for Joakim Noah, this is what he said in response to Clevelanders hating him.

“They hate me here…so? I’ve got my friends”

And these, ladies and gentlemen, are Joakim Noah’s “friends”.

Joakim wins.

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One response to “A New York sportswriter’s guide to swaying Lebron

  1. Pingback: Poor Akron « Roads? Where we're going…we don't need roads

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